Mop-Up RAW (Flashback January 1999)
By Hyatte
Mop-Up RAW
Okay so... I'm still on vacation. Sorry, but I've had a rough week. The last time I took an extended leave was a little under a year ago when my computer blew up right after I joined ScoopThis. This time, it's only this week, then I swear, I'll churn out at least 10 big columns before going away again.
The good news is that I'm posting a special Mop-Up from two years ago. Deep in my Scoops days, I had a notion to invite my ex-girlfriend, the one primarily responsible for the general anger and rage that I vent weekly, on to help get some of this hostility off our chests and work out our differences together... plus recap the shows. It didn't work out quite as I thought. It's long.... VEERRRRRY long... but you might just get a kick out of it.
The AAT for this week is a classic column too. Many people loved it. You will too... I hope. Read it here
I really have nothing to say about the big “UGO Christmas Massacre” that occured a week or so ago, it just goes to show why I am smart to avoid all this nonsense and simply freelance myself out to other sites... to let THEM sweat it out. The good news, though, is that my bud Dusty has an outstanding commentary about it. Go check it out.
Last week, Bob Barnett was supposed to be on the Edge, but the previous day, he had a quadruple bypass. Yes... he did. All the prick had to do was cancel out on us... he didn’t need to work a whole major surgery angle. Anyway... Greg just called me a few minutes ago, and HE was involved in a car wreck. So no Edge this week... but Greg already has guests lined up and all that crap, so we’ll have somehting nice for next week.
Finally, let’s not forget the great A1 wrestling, which is fast becoming one of my favorite sites ever.
Okay... now get ready for a classic shot. This will either bore the Hell out of you, or you will be mesmorized by it. I don’t know. It’s January, 1999. Foley is the world champ, Russo has written a scene where Mark Henry gets fellatio by a drag queen, and the Royal Rumble is just a week away. Enjoy.
******************************************************
HYT: Okay, are we ready?
AMY: Yes, let’s go.
HYT: Good. I’ll set this up, then you can go, then we go...etc, etc, etc
AMY: Let’s just get going assh*le.
HYT: Shut up. Okay, Hey people, I’m Chris and this is a very special edition of the Mop-Up. Instead of the usual format, I’m doing this in script form, because I have a very....ugh.....”special”... co-host this week.....
AMY: Oh nice.
HYT: A quick word of warning.
HYT: Thank you. Apparently, even though I DUMPED her fat ass....
AMY: Excuse me?
HYT: My ex-girlfriend, Ms. Amy Corillini, has kept up with reading my columns, and she wasn’t very happy with the way I portrayed her..or females in general. So she had a friend contact me to find out if she could write a rebuttal Mop-Up. I told her to go screw.
AMY: Because you’re a pussy,
HYT: And you would be the expert on using that word.....sweetie. Anyway, it had occured to me that you nice readers needed a little spice in this column, a little break from the norm. And since it has been a while, I thought it would be cool to have her on as a “co-host” for the Mop-Up. To work with me and do a little recapping...as well as getting some .....issues...we may have with each other straightened out..
AMY: Right.
HYT: A quick warning......this is going to be a LOOOONG column, and I’m sure a LOT of you have no interest in watching us go at it. So I’d advice you to walk away right now. Go ahead, skip this week’s column, then go bitch to everyone about how much I suck.
AMY: You really does too, we ALL know it.
HYT: Go read Zimmerman, who never tries anything different.
AMY: I read him all the time, he’s great.
HYT: Okay, let’s get the show going. As some of you may remember, Amy filled in for me lone week last year while we were still together.
AMY: Ugh, that was a nightmare
HYT: Yeah, I know. You were a horrible writer.
AMY: No, I meant the time we were ”together”. What a horror show THAT was.
HYT: Yeah like you were......oh nevermind. She has since moved on and has hooked up with some Hispanic dude with a tight ass and a green card.
AMY: Paulo was born in America, dickhead.
HYT: I know he’s a dickhead.
AMY: NO! You’re the dickhead.
HYT: Oh I am?
AMY: Yes! Paulo is more of a man than you can EVER hope to be.
HYT: Yeah okay....meanwhile, the 5 words he has heard most in his life is “Will the defendant please rise”, with number 6 being “guilty”.
AMY: Still a racist prick..that’s all you are
HYT: I’M racist?? You’re the one with a picture of Mussolini hanging up on you’re wall.
AMY: That’s my Father’s picture, assh*le.
HYT: Yeah, and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
AMY: Shut up, Chris. You stupid jerk.
HYT: Ooo, good comeback. Dicko Suave teach you that one?
AMY: He’s here now, want to talk to him?
HYT: NO!!! Keep him out off my column, smelly pants.
AMY: What’s wrong baby? Afraid?
HYT: No..I just don’t want his illiterate ass on my column.
AMY: Oh LITTLE CHRISSY’S AFRAID
HYT: Afraid? Of that douche?? One call to Immigration and he’s GONZO sister
AMY: HE’S AN AMERICAN CITIZEN YOU IDIOT!!!!!
HYT: Yeah..okay......forget about that for a second. You had something you wanted to say to the people right?
AMY: Yes
HYT: Okay, go ahead..the floor is yours.
AMY: Okay, first of all you did not DUMP me on my “fat ass” which isn’t really fat at all. I
spend two hours in the gym ever day.
HYT: WHAT??? YOU ARE SUCH A LYING SCRAG!!!
AMY: I thought the floor was MINE?
HYT: Yeah, sure..go ahead. But, try to be crazy and do something different for a change...like TELL THE TRUTH!!
AMY: You’re telling ME? You’re the one claiming that you were the one who started throwing crap at the wrestlers last week!!!!!!! YOU’RE THE LIAR!!!!
HYT: I did!!!
AMY: Yeah right, you’re too much of a pussy to try that....and you would have told me about it. You’re a lying dog!
HYT: Don’t you have a statement to make?
AMY: Yes I do. The truth is that Chris is so SELF ABSORBED and is such a NOWHERE LOSER!!!!! That I’M THE ONE WHO DUMPED HIM!!!
HYT: I’m more of a success than Paulo toots
AMY: I’m not finished, I thought the deal was that I could speak my piece
HYT: You’re right...sorry.
AMY: You sure are. Anyway, couples break up, it’s a fact of life. Only THIS moron used his pretty popular forum here to wage some sort of campaign against myself and a few other ex’s, although I could have SWORN he was a virgin when I first met him.
HYT: BULLSH*T....You weren’t my first, you bimbo
AMY: Oh God...then you’re nervous like that ALL THE TIME??
HYT: I was great and you know it.
AMY: Whatever dude, all I know is that I had to burn out about 90000 C-Cell Batteries during my time with you.
HYT: Yeah, and you were a great prize. How many times did I have to check your pulse to see if you were alive?
AMY: About as many times as I had to feel around your crotch to see if you were really a chick.
HYT: Cold fish
AMY: Flaccid jello sac
HYT: Queen bitch
AMY: Sweaty toad
HYT: You little CU......ooooo....are you done?.
AMY: Not hardly. The truth is that while Chris TALKS a good game, he is nowhere NEAR
as “cool” as he would like you to believe. Fact is..he is a super GEEK
HYT: HA!! Okay, go on.....keep it rolling
AMY: He hates women, I am convinced of that, just like all men do deep down. But this image he portrays as some sort of “love ‘em and leave ‘em” studcookie is just plain LIES.
HYT: Hah hah haaa...okay toots
AMY: When we first met, he spilled his drink all over himself, he was so nervous
HYT: Honey, you’re rambling now.....not to mention lying your little....I mean BIG...fanny off....so get to the point please.
AMY: Yeah, okay. My point here is that I have been portrayed here in this Top-Mop column as some sort of Princess Slut. So I’m here this week to try to give you a more accurate presentation of myself. Because as is always the case, when Chris is confronted with something, he shuts up like the little bitch he is.
HYT: That’s more bullcrap.
AMY: We’ll see, won’t we?
HYT: I just have one question right now?
AMY: ???
HYT: Are you naked?
AMY: No, but with PAULO here, that could change very quickly. Jealous?
HYT: No, just curious. Did Paulo bring the flour?
AMY: The flour, for what?
HYT: To roll you around in and find the wet spot?
AMY: Oh cute, like that joke isn’t 200 years old, like everything else about you. Just because I’m not artificially enhanced like those porn sluts you obsess over, doesn’t make me fat. I am a normal woman of normal proportions.
HYT: You’re a fat ass
AMY: And you’re not? You really want to go there fatso? Still making fun of poor Sean Shannon? LOL, that’s the pot calling the kettle black, boy.
HYT: Oh don’t even TRY to make up a lie like THAT!!
AMY: Oh it’s no lie Blimpie...you gained about 100 pounds since I dumped YOU.
HYT: NononononoNO
AMY: Yes, everyone knows it. 50 pounds in your gut and 50 pounds in that swelled head of yours. You REALLY think you are the “coolest thing on the Net?” You really think you are the King?
HYT: I know I am.
AMY: And you don’t see how absolutely PATHETIC that is?
HYT: Yes I do..THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT!!!
AMY: No, the whole point is that in real life, you are this pathetic little man who is desperately fueling his ego by portraying himself as this super cool Internet King. I’m here to say that the EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES!!!!!!
HYT: I’m the King, not the Emperor
AMY: You’re a joke and everyone knows it.. I said my peace. I can go if you want
HYT: Oh no darling, we’re not through just yet. We have some recapping to do.
AMY: I could just leave you know, just turn this IBM off and go play with my REAL man....instead of the loser I USED to play with.
HYT: Keep your Father out of this.
AMY: Oh that’s funny. Incest humor, nice.
HYT: Part of the deal was I would let you have your say, then you will have to recap with me. If you leave, I’ll have no choice but to write as you.....do you REALY want me to do that?
AMY: God No. Unlike you, I KEEP my promises. I’ll stay.
HYT: Attagirl.
AMY: Are you drunk this week? Or are you trying to quit again?
HYT: I have quit for the time being
AMY: HA!! Won’t last. Frigging lush.
HYT: Honey, I needed it after dealing with you for....oh forget it. How about a truce so we can get through this and go on with our lives.
AMY: That sounds lovely. Let’s get this crap OVER with. This column NEEDS a REAL woman’s touch for once. Instead of the half man, half girl touch YOU always put into it.
HYT: Is ragging on my manhood the best thing you got?
AMY: No, there is your homophobia, you fat gut, you ugly face, you’re ugly outlook....shall I go on?
HYT: No, let’s space it out. People must REALLY be itching for a recap right about now.
AMY: THEN LET’S GO!! HELL. This is taking forEVER
HYT: Okay, first we recap what happened on RAW, you have the tape ready right?
AMY: Yes, I taped both shows.
HYT: Good, and you are a wrestling fan right?
AMY: Yes, being force fed it every Monday by you kind of made it grow on me after a while. I NEVER get the PPV’s but I do enjoy watching it on Mondays. Paulo does to.
HYT: Let’s knock off the Paulo references. Before I go beat the sh*t out of him.
AMY: HA!! Go ahead and try it loser...he’ll f*ck your life UP.
HYT: yeah, sure.
AMY: Such a jealous boy...get a life Chris, it’s OVER!!!!
HYT: Amy, sweet pea..may I point out that YOU are the one who keeps reading MY column.
YOU are the one who should get over it.
AMY: Oh I AM over it stud, I’m not the one getting drunk and calling you in the middle of the night am I?
HYT: sigh..momentary lapse of weakness, no more.
AMY: Yeah, you have a lot of those don’t you? You’re whole LIFE is defined by momentary lapse of weaknesses
HYT: I THOUGHT WE CALLED A TRUCE???
AMY: We did. But if you start, then I finish. It’s high time someone took you down a peg. It’s only fitting that a little old GIRL is the one who does it.
HYT: Night’s young Onion breath, night’s YOUNG
AMY: Too bad you’re not, old man
HYT: You piece of....oh Jesus, let’s just get this over with.
AMY: My thoughts exactly.
HYT: RAW IS WAR (or)
-opens with a brief little clip of Martin Luther King Jr. Vince McMahon’s voice-over declares “LONG LIVE THE DREAM”. Nice to see him acknowledge Dusty Rhodes like that....BECAUSE THE AMERICAN DREAM RULES BABY!!!!!!
AMY: I think he was referring to MLK, Einstein
HYT: I’m aware of that, Brainiac. T’was a simple joke
AMY: Very simple. Why is a WRESTLING show with like 4 BLACK wrestlers out of 100 talking about Mr. King?
HYT: Respect maybe?
AMY: Oh, okay.
HYT: Actually, I smell Teddy Long’s handiwork.
AMY: I have no idea what that means.
HYT: Of course you wouldn’t my little cherub....of course you wouldn’t
-opening theme
-Lawler starts things off by saying that “Stone Cold” Steve Austin has NO CHANCE IN HELL of winning the Royal Rumble.
AMY: Why did you yell that?
HYT: Punctuation effect darling, if you knew anything about anything...
AMY: I JUST ASKED A SIMPLE QUESTION, GOD AREN’T YOU TESTY!!!
HYT: Now YOU’RE yelling.
AMY: Just get on with it please.
HYT: heh, score one for the MAN.........
-Lawler’s comments lead right to glass breaking....
-And out comes Austin, here to make up for lost time and sell the crap out of a PPV which is only a week away.
AMY: DUH...isn’t that, like, his JOB???
-Michael Cole wants to interview him. Austin yanks the mic away and talks about some stuff. Most notably Mankind’s title win, The Royal Rumble, Vince McMahon, and the Bounty on his head.
AMY: By the way, why are you such an assh*le to put a bounty on an Announcer’s head for simply doing his job? On his DAUGHTER too?
HYT: Hey stretch pants, that’s over in the NITRO recap....this is RAW...R...A...W...okay?
AMY: Oh? Was I premature? One would think YOU of all people would understand about being PREMATURE.
HYT: Try to stay on topic dear
AMY: Take my head off why don’tcha, God.
-Anyway it was a quick interview....he wrapped up...then guzzled a beer on top of the Announcer’s desk.
AMY: Quick huh? Story of YOU’RE....nevermind
HYT: Go ahead, finish the joke that’s getting old already
AMY: No, nothing. Forget it.
HYT: You’ve been on top of a few Announcer’s desks in you’re time haven’t you?
AMY: Oh, I’m sure the readers are cracking up now. You’re cool guy armor is cracking Chrissy. You’re starting to sweat.
HYT: Baby, I’m just getting warmed up
AMY: Bring it on cooky. I’m getting into this now.
-Cole and Lawler talk up the night’s events. No point in mentioning them now since We will cover them later
AMY: Lazy ass
-Backstage we see Road Dog stomping around, looking for something.
AMY: I hope he’s looking for a decent hair stylist, that “Prison look” is stupid.
HYT: Thank you for that sparkling wit, Ms. “Rat’s Nest on My GOOD Days”
AMY: Like you could do any better. We are barely into it and you are already all shook up
HYT: Not as much as those titties you got sagging. Every time you move they do the Rumba
AMY: Nice try, Spice boy
-commercials
-Road Dog comes out doing his little routine and pulling a mini trash dumpster filled with all sorts of nifty stuff.
AMY: “nifty”?
-Shut up. He grabbed the mic, and pointed out that even though he isn’t “Buffy”, he damn sure is going to be a “Vampire Slayer” tonight.
AMY: That show is the BOMB
-Thank you Amy for that pointless observation, I’d send you to the NWWWO for work, but I shut them down months ago.
AMY: Yeah right, you did that...uh huh. More ego inflating from the Michelin Tire Man
-Then Road Dog did his little rant.. Amy, if you can be civil for a second, what do you think of DX?
AMY: Bad Ass....yum yum. X-Pac is too scruffy and skinny. HHH is too......MUCH of everything. Road Dog is like you Chris, old and tired looking.
HYT: Can’t get through one sentence without an insult huh?
AMY: It’s why I’m here dude. I’ll leave if you want.
HYT: No, no.....stay. I’m not through with you just yet.
-Thank Gangrel came out. Road Dog attacked from behind just as he was about to guzzle and spit his blood. I’m sure Amy has no comment here, seeing how she doesn’t spit out a damn thing.
AMY: F*ck you
-Heh he...anyway....Road Dog started to bleed. It may have been juice, or it was from the Goblet.
AMY: Either way, it was GROSS!
-Sizzling commentary as always, my dear ex. Lawler hit an unintentionally funny line when he said, “Speaking of nuts, did I mention that Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco will be taking on Chyna later tonight?”...now and forever, nobody can say anything even REMOTELY NEAR a reference to the groin and Pat Patterson without making a whole legion of Mop-Up readers perk up their ears like dogs.
AMY: Oh yeah, you’re so cool Chris. Can I be you’re girlfriend again PLEASE???
HYT: You wish.
AMY: Sarcasm numbnuts, try it sometimes. Oh, right..you do. Badly, but you do.
-The match broke out into the seats, of course. Back into the ring, a table came into play. Cole wisely pointed out for the Amys of the world that they would not be playing cards. on the table.
AMY: Now we know why you don’t get paid for this.
-Gangrel powerbombed Doggy on the table. Road Dog grabbed another one and set it up outside. In a THRILLING sequence, he gave Gangrel an elbow, a Double Legdrop, and a top rope elbow smash while the table was outside.
AMY: How can wrestling be fake? That stuff HAS to hurt.
HYT: Geeze Amy, that was a great point...for once.
AMY: Thank you. And what’s the Dilly on Gangrel’s teeth?
HYT: They are real, he had those caps put on
AMY: Get out?
HYT: It’s true.
AMY: Whoa
-Much as I’d like to continue hearing you ohh and ahh about his dentures, we have to move along. After two huge chair shots, Road Dog beat Gangrel and kept the strap. I am really liking this Hardcore title. They are showing me that they know exactly what to do with it. Should Terry Funk ever come back, I’d like to see him wear the strap for a run.
AMY: Well, of course you like the Hardcore title.
HYT: sigh...I’m afraid to ask
AMY: Well, you are such a coward in real life, you vicariously live through these rough and tumble matches.
HYT: Amy.....
AMY: Yes Chrissy?
HYT: Grrrr......never mind.
AMY: Good boy, just run away from any sort of challenge, you haven’t changed a bit.
-Backstage, we see Austin drinking a beer and planning the next 12 t-shirts he’ll launch upon us to put more billions in his pockets.
AMY: Coming from Chris “Minimum Wage 4 Life” Hyatte, you’re bitterness doesn’t surprise me.
HYT: Oh Amy, how many free movies and dinners has that chooch of yours bought anyway?
AMY: hey, they want it, they have to PAY for it. That’s the AMERICAN WAY. Good old fashioned Capitalism, no wonder you hate it.
HYT: I’ll be nice and skip the fact that you just admitted to being a HO and move along
AMY: I didn’t....oh sh*t, I didn’t mean for it to come out like......
HYT: TOO LATE WE’RE FRESH OUT OF PAGE.....BOOYAA
-commercials
-Ken Shamrock is lacing up his boots backstage. The knot seems to be infuriating him all to Hell.
AMY: I AM NOT A HO!!!!!
-That’s great luv, but we’re on a new topic now. Bad Ass Billy Gunn makes his way to ringside. He quickly moons the camera.
AMY: OH YES!! GO BIL-LY, GO BIL-LY, GO BIL-LY
-yes......quite. He grabs the mic and after eliciting screams from a plethora of girls..
AMY: DAMN STRAIGHT!!!
-and she ain’t no Ho kids. He grabs the mic and tells us all to suck it. Remember Billy, all it takes is a Big Mac and large fries and Amy will be MORE than willing to comply.
AMY: No Chrissy, that only worked with you because it was all you’re broke ass could AFFORD. Giving you head was a simple act of charity, out of pity.
HYT: That would explain the quality of those “sessions”, but this is WAAAAY off topic.
-Out came Test to “test” Mr. Gunn....snicker snicker
AMY: Oh God, you are SUCH a.....whoa, who is THAT?
HYT: That is Test, new guy in town.
AMY: Homina, homina, homina. he is MUCHO Mondo
HYT: How is Paulo doing anyway?
AMY: Who? Oh....right....Paulo..just fine, thank you. Better than you could ever be.
HYT: Uh huh.
AMY: Jerk
-Anyway, Test looks good as he tosses Gunn around a little, he seemed unaffected by a chant of “SUCK IT”. Then Gunn FLIES across the ring and nails Test with a legdrop.
-Cole, “The Royal Rumble will be the most STAR STUDDED PAY PER VIEW MATCH IN HISTORY!!!!!!” Then refuses to name anyone outside the regular roster. Jesus Christ...of all the people in BROADCASTING to emulate..why pick SCHIAVONE???
AMY: I can top that! Of all the RECAPPERS to emulate, why would most of them emulate HYATTE????
HYT: Because maybe. just maybe Amy....like this column right here, I do and try things that could either score HUGE or blow up right in my face? Maybe it’s because I am not afraid to take chances once in a while? While everyone else sticks to some stupid formula?
AMY: Oh, so you are the rebel of the net right?
HYT: Yes...damn straight!
AMY: Okay, so tell me, why can’t you attack other web sites again?
HYT:..............
AMY: Come on, we’re waiting. Let someone have it. Go ahead.
-After going at it for a bit more, Shamrock runs out and attacks Gunn
AMY: LOL...rebel man, RIGHT. Tell another lie why don’t you. Score one for the GIRLS!!!!
-Gunn ended up sprawled on the announcer’s chairs, completely wrecked. Shamrock continued to lay waste to him.
AMY: Shamrock is SO scary looking. Poor Billy.
-Then Shamrock puts him in the Ankle Lock, a whole squadron of WWF officials Try to break it up. Teddy Long showed up to scream, “DAMMIT SHAMROCK!!! NOT ON MARTIN LUTHOR KING’S BIRTHDAY!!! THE BROTHER WAS PREACHING PEACE!!!!” The Italian racist Shamrock laughed in his face....rat bastard.
AMY: So, are you saying all Italians are racist Chris? You want to make that generalization now?
HYT: Not at all, merely a little humor.
AMY: Oh, well I’m laughing now.
HYT: By the way, how’s you’re brother’s Iroc running?
AMY: Fine...WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???
HYT: Nothing at all. Just a question.
-Shamrock picked up a ballpeen hammer, which coincided with a loud chant of “SHAMROCK SUCKS”. That is no way to treat the World’s Most Dangerous Man”
AMY: That’s no way to treat poor Billy Gunn.
HYT: Amy, I’m going to have to let you in on a little secret...
AMY: You wear women’s clothes? I knew that already.
HYT: No, not that.
AMY: You wear a B-cup? Too late
HYT: Shut up, it’s not that.
AMY: Then what?
HYT: Wrestling is FAKE!!!!
AMY: I know that, retard. I was JUST TRYING TO GET INTO THE GROOVE HERE!!
HYT: yeah, okay “Stella”, you go get into that groove.
AMY: ASSH*LE
-Spot for half-time HEAT during the Superbowl. Should be a blast.
AMY: I have to agree with you there. No telling WHAT they come up with.
HYT: Thank you for agreeing with me without some sort of snotty remark.
AMY: You’re welcome. I figured, why not, since I’ve been trashing you all column long so far.
HYT: It’s not over yet.
AMY: Keep telling yourself that. You’re finally outclassed, babe, get used to it.
-commercials
-footage of what just happened.
-Backstage, we see a WWF Official set Gunn’s ankle into place as Road Dog cradles him like a FAG!!!!!
AMY: Well, here we go....Chrissy’s breaking out the old standards again.
-Gunn’s ankle is forcibly set, he starts whimpering like a GIRL!!
AMY: HA!! Shall I bring up the time an ingrown toenail kept you in bed sobbing for three days Babycakes? Or maybe the REAL story behind the reason I filled in for you last year?
HYT: Don’t go there girly! Please...don’t
AMY: Two week old burritos, I can’t believe the readers bought that story.
HYT: Amy....
AMY: Okay, only because I can get used to you saying “please”, just like the old days.
-Kevin Kelly talks to Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett, who suddenly became the number 1 contenders for the tag belts.....in WCW FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!! (Must be the influence of Bret). Before Owen could detail just what they would do to Rick Steiner and Judy Bagwell...
-Shamrock and Bossman attacked them. Shamrock seems to still hold a grudge for getting kicked in the sac by Owen a year ago.
AMY: May I ask a question?
HYT: Shoot
AMY: Why didn’t DX run out and help Billy Gunn?
HYT: Jesus woman, TRY TO KEEP WITH ME FOR ONCE!!!!!
AMY: God...sorry. It was just a question. Why jump down my throat?
HYT: sigh...basically because the script didn’t call for a full DX/Corporation brawl yet.
AMY: Thank you. Geeze.
HYT: friggin’......mumble....grumble
AMY: Mumbling under your breath on paper? Did you “invent” that too?
HYT: Shaddup
AMY: LOL, Chicks rule
-video package showing Vince training with his son Shane
AMY: Shouldn’t Shane be getting his head shaved by Flair right about now?
-Wrong guy, wrong show. try not to jump ahead, Thunder Thighs.
AMY: I’ll try, Cottage Cheese ass.
-commercials
-Backstage, the Big Bossman attacked Mankind, Mankind fought back. The camera conveniently loses reception in time for...
-Dan Severn comes to the ring, apparently back and ready for action.
AMY: DUH..he is in full gear you know.
-Then Steve Blackman hits the ring and the fight is on.
AMY: Oh joy, is this the guy who looks like a buffed up Freddie Mercury?
HYT: Yup
AMY: So this is where you try to stick as many old, old, OLD Queen songs into the match recap?
HYT: That’s the plan.
AMY: Just like you ALWAYS do? Ever think of coming up with some NEW material?
HYT: Umm..nope.
AMY: Then fine, go do it then. I’ll just quietly sit here like the rest of the audience and be bored to tears.
HYT: Okay fine, F-you. I’ll skip it then.
AMY: No, no..go ahead and do it.
HYT: No.
AMY: You are SUCH a baby.
-Severn gets in a low blow, then gets DQ’ed. Which makes no sense since everybody and their mother gets to drop crotch shots.
AMY: Goldust doesn’t.
-Then Severn put on the Dragon Sleeper, which didn’t put Blackman to sleep.
AMY: Unlike the Top-Mop, which puts EVERYONE to sleep.
-Backstage, we see Austin drinking beer...
AMY: So, you are ignoring me now?
-Then we see Mankind and Bossman still going at it.
AMY: You’re ignoring me?
-commercials
AMY: YOU ARE IGNORING ME??? ASSH*LE? YOU INVITED ME ON HERE, NOW YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT???
HYT: No, I am simply trying to get through the rest of RAW, we still have a LOOONG night ahead of us.
AMY: True, Zimmerman would have finished RAW and have been halfway through Nitro by now
HYT: yes, but Zimmerman is a.....ooh forget it
AMY: No, go ahead..say it.
HYT: Forget it.
AMY: I said it before, I’ll say it again, PUSSY!!!
-Video montage dealing with the Rock and Mankind’s upcoming RR match. Amy, are you looking forward to this match?
AMY: Go Rock. He is so HOT.
-HYT: oye f’k’n vey
AMY: Excuse me? You ASKED.
-The Bossman and Mankind’s backstage romp spilled out into the arena just in time for....
-the second hour to arrive.
AMY: This is where all the adult stuff happens right? From 10 o’clock on?
-Yes, good observation.....for once
AMY: I could always stay quiet. Hell, I could always leave.
HYT: Yes you could, but you won’t. You’re too into this now.
AMY: You’re right. I am enjoying ripping your dumb ass to shreds.
-This match was almost as nasty as the Hardcore title match. Bossman was fighting as if Mankind was.....
AMY: ...a member of the NWO? Was THAT what you were about to say?
HYT: No.....I was about to say......F-YOU
AMY: ROTFLMAO...I LOVE blasting you. Too easy
-Anywhoo, the Rock eventually came out and chaired Mankind. Then he got on headset, promised a special treat for his millions of fans, ran back into the ring, and gave Mankind a “Rock Bottom” on a chair. Of course, I’m sure Maivia could rock Amy’s bottom anytime, right hon?
AMY: Hey ese, You betta keep yo mouth chut man! Before I roll up with some homies and put some bullets in yo head
HYT: Who is this?? Paulo? YOU GET OFF MY COLUMN YA FU**ING RUMP WRANGLER!!!!!
AMY: YEAH, CHOO TALK TUFF WHEN PAULLO AIN’T THERE DON’CHA ESE
HYT: I BANGED YOU’RE MAMA FOR 5 PESOS AND A TACO...HER AND THAT MUSTACHE
AMY: I’M GONNA GIVE YOU THE COLUMBIAN NECKTIE HOMES!!! WATCH OUT FOR THE LOWRIDER
HYT: TELL YOUR PAPPY TO CUT MY LAWN!! AND CORONA SUCKS!!
AMY: It’s me Chrissy, I’m back. Paulo took off
HYT: KEEP THAT MUTT OFF MY COLUMN KIDDO!!! BEFORE I DECIDE TO END THESE FUN AND GAMES AND GET SERIOUS!!
AMY: Oh shut up, you won’t do anything, you silly little man.
HYT: Fu**ing Tostado licker
AMY: Him or me?
HYT: BOTH!!!!!!!!
AMY: Be careful honeybunch, or I might tell him where you live. Him AND his mama
HYT: BRING IT ON!!!!!!
AMY: Calm down, take a breath, and realize that you are SO outclasses this week.
HYT: huff....huff.....
AMY: Good boy, now go ahead and tell your little jokes. IF you behave, I’ll forget this whole incident.
-Backstage, we see Mark Henry following Chyna around, he appears perturbed
-and Austin is still waiting for something
AMY: maybe he’s waiting for something funny in here? God knows I am.
-commercials
-backstage, Vince is making sure Kane understands what he has to do in his match with Maivia. The Rock calls Kane a “retard”.
AMY: That’s not nice!!
HYT: No Amy, it isn’t....neither is having that dopey eyed COUCH HUMPER SHOW UP IN MY GODDAM COLUMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AMY: Gee, I wonder why Paulo BOTHERS you so much??
HYT: Shaddup
AMY: LOL
-Chyna comes to the ring, oh Lord, she’s about to speak. Amy, do you like Chyna?
AMY: She’s a girl right?
-That’s the rumor.
AMY: Then WHOO HOO...GIRL POWER!!!!!!
-Alrighty then....Chyna had the mic and called out Mark Henry, she even called him “numbnuts”
-Mark Henry comes out. We see his “Momma” sitting in the seats. Chyna informs him that he has to “come clean with the REAL truth, or she will humiliate him in front of everyone!!
AMY: HA HA HA ROTFLMFAOBT HUGE
HYT: What is so funny?
AMY: Ha ha, this is EXACTLY like what is going on here!!! It’s so parallel it’s uncanny!!!
HYT: I don’t get it?
AMY: Of course you wouldn’t.....NUMBNUTS....YOU didn’t come clean, so here I am humiliating YOU in front of dozens.
HYT: oh...
AMY: HA HAHAAA...GO CHY-NA, GO CHY-NA, GO CHY-NA, GO CHY-NA
-Henry pleaded some more, then came out with the truth. They didn’t do the “wild thing”, they didn’t do the “mild thing”, they didn’t do “no-thing”. Which is a double negative which actually means that they DID do something, but Mark dropped brains for brawn a LOOONG time ago, so it’s understandable
AMY: You are a RASCIST!!
HYT: NO I’M NOT!!! HE’S A OLYMPIC WEIGHT LIFTER YOU DUMB BROAD!!!!! IT’S PERFECTLY REASONABLE TO ASSUME THAT HE SKIPPED A LOT OF CLASSES TO GO TO THE GYM AND WORK HIS LEGS!!!!!!! STOP TRYING TO CALL ME OUT ON EVERYTHING I GODDAM SAY!!!!
AMY: Okay! You MAY have a point. I retract that.
HYT: Thank you.
AMY: moron
HYT: cooze
AMY: deadworm living in your pants
HYT: Salsa swallower.
AMY: loser
-........so, even though Henry took it ALL back, Chyna refused to let him off the hook, because she is a BALL BREAKING SHREW JUST LIKE ALL WOMEN ARE!!!!!
AMY: You’re DAMN straight!! Mess with US and we will F*CK YOU’RE WORLD!!!!!!
-The tape rolled, we see Sammi console Henry after getting crotched by Terri Runnels last week
AMY: GO TER-RI, GO TER-RI. GO TER-RI
-That’s quite enough of THAT! We see Sammi simulate oral pleasure on Henry for a few seconds, Henry seems to like it.
-Then he grabs her ass, her dress is lifted..
AMY: Here it comes......ha ha
-He goes for her snatch and....
-YANKS HIS HAND BACK!!! HE FELT A PENIS!!!!!!!!
AMY: Isn’t this where you call Henry a FAG?
-Henry starts to puke in the toilet, then Sammi pulls off her wig..revealing a short clipped blonde head of hair. (Oh Jesus...PATTERSON PROCREATED!!!!!!! PATTERSON HAD A CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
AMY: Oh, more Patterson jokes, how refreshing. never heard THOSE before.
-Back to the ring, Chyna screamed, “IT’S A MAN BABY, then apologized to Henry’s mother, then crotched Henry and walked away. Henry limped over to his mother, who swatted him on the behind, then escorted him away with a cute little smile in her face. She seemed to enjoy this.
AMY: GIRLS RULE WHOO HOOOOOOO, WHO HOOOOOO
HYT: Yeah, too bad the men own everything!!
AMY: Yeah? Well Tim Allen just called, he wants compensation for you stealing that joke
HYT: Nevermind that Amy, did you think that was too overdone?
AMY: Yes I did
HYT: So, you’re saying that you wouldn’t go down on a black man?
AMY: I DIDN’T SAY THAT AT ALL YOU JERK!!!!
HYT: Oh, so you WOULD? Is it true that once you had black, you never go back?
AMY: I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING OF THE SORT!!!! I look at the INNER person, not the OUTER!!!! It doesn’t matter to me WHAT color their skin is, or what ethnic group they belong to.
HYT: Inner huh? So why did you go with me?
AMY: Because I saw something in you a long time ago, an inner sweetness, which is now long dead apparently. Good job Chris, you destroyed the only good thing about you.
HYT: Right, what about my rapier wit?
AMY: You do rape a lot of good humor out there, then throw the remains into this column, that’s for sure.
HYT: So, is it true?
AMY: Is what true?
HYT: Once you had black, you never go back?
AMY: I wouldn’t know, send Maivia over and I’ll tell you. Or D-Lo
HYT: D-LO??
AMY: Yeah, he’s cute. May I make a rhyme of my own that sort of goes along with the black thing?
HYT: Go ahead.
AMY: Hey girls, Don’t sleep with Chris, ‘cause there’s a LOT he’ll miss
HYT: Oh, how lovely.
AMY: Thank you.
HYT: I tried as hard as I could.
AMY: I know, that’s the sad part.
HYT: I’m going to move along now.
AMY: yeah, you’d better.
-commercials
-Backstage, Mark Henry’s Mother is still chastising her boy, but not too hard.
-Backstage, Patterson and Brisco are busy lacing up and arguing over who would pin Chyna. Patterson wanted to draw straws, Brisco said that it wouldn’t be fair, since Pat’s “straw” tends to be a bit more.....longer..whenver he’s at an arena with these pumped up wrestlers.
AMY: Okay, that was pretty funny, I’ll admit it.
HYT: Oh thanks.
AMY: It was funnier the FIRST SIX TIMES YOU TOLD IT though.
-Al Snow came to the ring looking for either his head. Then Goldust came out with Snow’s Head in a URN!!! MY GOD THEY........
AMY:...rip off everything...yeah, yeah, yeah
HYT: Hey Amy, do YOU have Snow’s Head?
AMY: No.
HYT: Do you have ANY head to give?
AMY: Plenty, but none for you...sorry
HYT: What a tragic loss for me. It was like humping a (EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION!!! WE’VE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH OF THIS, YOU TWO )
AMY: You never complained before!
HYT: That’s because a starving man doesn’t complain about the stale bread
-Oh, wait, Snow just grabbed referee teddy Long and demanded head...Long backed right off screaming, “Uh uhh, you got the WROOOOOONG brother, brother”
-Goldust was DQ’ed for no reason other than he pointed at the ropes Scott Hall/.Clique style...this infuriated Long enough to have the bell rung. Teddy’s hatred for those Atlanta hillbillies run DEEP I tells ya’ Dustin still gave Snow the Shattered Dreams tho’.
AMY: Can I ask something?
HYT: No...This recap has gone long enough, you go shave something while I wrap it up.
AMY: F*CK you, I’m staying.
HYT: Then keep the interruptions to a minimum while I make our way to Nitro okay?
AMY: NO, I’ll speak when I WANT too.
HYT: Well, try to pick your spots then.
-Austin is backstage
-so isn’t Patterson and Brisco, both are claiming that Vince wants HIM to make the pin. At one point, Pat asks Brisco, “What are you smoking? And would you like to try a “Pat Filtered?”
AMY: Oh God, you should quit the jokes for a while. They really are crashing out Dude. It’s sad now.
-commercials
-UT made an “I’m so Evil, I have to pinch myself” speech that bored me so much that I fast forwarded through it. You can zip through it Amy.
AMY: Is he supposed to be Satan?
-Either that or Kevin Sullivan.
-commercials
-Chyna hits the ring
AMY: WHOO HOOOOO
-HYT: Oh please stop....footage from last week where Chyna wrecked Vince’s RR plans.
AMY: woo hoo
-HYT: ahem, Patterson and Brisco come out. It’s an sorta/inter gender handicapped match
AMY: Chyna is ALL woman, but STILL more man than you could EVER be. In fact, you take a break and I’LL cover this!
HYT: Okay, be my guest
AMY: Thank You...Patterson and Brisco stalled for time before getting tuned up by a WOMAN! Brisco started it out, and grabbed Chyna around by the waist. He takes her down. CHYNA sits out of it and gets on top of Brisco because she RULES! Brisco reaches for the ropes, but Chyna applies a half nelson. Brisco still makes it. Anything you wish to add Chrissy?
HYT: Nope, go right ahead, you’re doing fine
AMY: Good boy. Brisco tags in Patterson. Pat ( I can’t see ANYTHING wrong with him. He looks perfectly straight to me) stares off with my girlfriend and points his finger at her. She takes it and WRENCHES IT backwards. Pat wails in pain. Chyna goes for a punch, but Pat catches her and picks her up in an airplane spin. He spins her around and around, then gets dizzy himself and falls down.
HYT: I have to cut in. Cole and Lawler had a funny exchange here...
Cole, “What’s that maneuver called, King?”
Lawler, “I don’t know, I haven’t seen an airplane spin in about 30 years!”
AMY: So Chris, do YOU remember the Airplane Spin?
HYT: Yes, I remember Mike (VK Wallstreet) Rotunda used to use it early on.
AMY: I asked only because weren’t you like 20, thirty years ago?
HYT: Yes Amy, and I was humping your mother...so be nice to your daddy
AMY:....ugh...that’s sick
HYT: Yeah, well, I’m sick of this column
AMY: Hey, you’ll remember this, next time you open your mouth about me or any other girl!.
HYT: JUST FINISH THE MATCH RECAP!!!
AMY: Okay, Pat was dizzy, so Brisco shoved him out of the ring. Brisco tried a bodyslam, but Chyna backflipped out of it and turned it into an Atomic Drop. Then she attacked Patterson, who tried to sneak up on her bad self. Chyna threw him into Brisco, Brisco’s HEAD COLLIDED WITH PAT’S GROIN!!!!!!!!!! I’m sure Chris has to have SOMETHING to say on that one!!!
HYT: ..............
AMY: Anything?
HYT: nope
AMY: Oh come on sweetheart! It IS you’re column after all, even though I completely
humiliated you in it. Have some pride and say SOMETHING
HYT:.............................
AMY: Okay fine, be grumpy. Then Patterson snuck up behind Chyna and gave her a CROTCH CHOP!!!! Come on Chrissy poo....ANYTHING?
HYT:..........................
AMY: sigh, so sad, so sad. To see a grown man beaten like this. Before dozens of people
HYT: Try thousands.
AMY: Okay, THOUSANDS. Anyway, Chyna grabbed BOTH STOOGES my their groins and squeezed. That went on for a bit, then Chyna sat on the corner post, being patient and good spirited enough to let them regroup. Then that nasty old Patterson shoved her off the ropes and onto the outside ring floor. This made SABLE come out.....YEAAAH SISTERS ARE DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!
HYT:........................
AMY: Oh, what a fuddy duddy....Sable made her way down to the ring, but that UGLY Luna came out and knocked her down. What’s her dilly anyway? Why doesn’t she help out the
GIRLS? Do you know why Chris?
HYT:..............................
AMY: Humph then, Patterson threw Chyna into the ring, Brisco hit a funny version of the “Corporate Elbow”, then tried a pin. Only Patterson pulled him off. Then Patterson went for the pin, but Brisco pulled him off, and took Pat’s PANTS HALFWAY DOWN HIS ASS IN THE PROCESS!!!!! ohh Chriiiiiiiisssssssy, anything YOU wish to add?
HYT: Nope
AMY: God, what’s wrong with you anyway?
HYT:.................
AMY: Then Chyna took a face full of powder. That announcer person claimed that he HASN’T seen that in 30 years, Dude, I saw someone do that 2 weeks ago, Hellooooo?
AMY: Now this was sick, Patterson and Brisco started to pat Chyna’s ass and jiggle her breasts, NOT cool. Lawler commented that Pat didn’t seem to like that move. Does CHRIS have any comment?
HYT: ...................
AMY: sigh. Chyna rebounds, hits both of them with DDTs, lays one on top of the other, sits on both of them, and gets the PINFALL!!! GOGOGOGOGOGOGGGGGOOOO CHYNA YYYYEEEEAHHHHH...You’re kicking ass out there and I’m kicking ass in HERE!!! WHOOO HOOOOOO. Chyna walked away in triumph, and I triumphantly give the recap back to Chris...anything YOU want to say, stud?
HYT: Happy birthday Pat.
AMY: Oh right, like THAT was the reason you stayed quiet.
HYT: No. Happy birthday Pat and F-YOU to any reader who gets “disappointed” whenever Pat does something and I don’t cover it “properly”......if you don’t like the way I do things around here...then leave and NEVER COME BACK!!
AMY: I’m sorry folks, you have to forgive my ex boyfriend/current bitch. He’s depressed because I’ve been ripping him a new ass all column long, and we STILL have a 3 hour Nitro to go!
HYT: F-You
AMY: ooh, that hurts. Poor baby. It’s not nice getting your ass kicked for a change is it?
-backstage, Austin is still plodding while Vince and the Rock are still plotting.
-commercials
-The Rock comes out with members of the Corporation. He is in civilian attire.
-Kane comes out. Vince grabs him for a last minute lecture. Then he grabs the mic and says that there will be no REAL match, all the Rock has to do is put his finger on Kane’s chest, Kane goes down, and they go home.
AMY: MY GOD!!! THEY ARE ABOUT TO RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!
HYT: ???????
AMY: Sorry, but I knew YOU wouldn’t do it.....assh*le
-Kane seemed reluctant, Vince warned him not to be stupid..and to just fall down. Kane gave Vince the old cross armed F-off. Cole and Lawler freaked in unison.
-Then Maivia clipped Kane’s leg from behind....thus the weekly WCW F-You was complete. The Corporation all ganged up on Kane a little, then the Rock ran solo. Amy, who do YOU want to win this?
AMY: The Rock, of course. I smell what he is cooking.
-okaaaayy, err...it’s a back and forth match....it went outside, where the Rock grabbed the headset and mouthed off a bit. Kane grabbed him by the neck, Maivia kicked him down below, then commented that it felt like he just kicked a “damn pillow”
AMY: BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!!!
HYT: Excuse me?
AMY: I’ll be nice, so nevermind :)
-Corporate Elbow right on the money.
-Kane with the chokeslam
-The Corporation runs in....
-Mankind runs in with a chair. Test takes a nice shot. Good sell.
-The Rock runs. he’s up the ramp and turns to yell at Foley
AMY: Who?
-Mankind......Austin comes up behind the Rock. Rock turns around, stares at Austin...Mankind clips him with a chair. The Rock goes down, Austin gives him the birds, then give Vince the birds. Vince stares at them furiously. The show ends on that note.
AMY: It was GREAT!!! Go CHYNA..YEAH
HYT: Why don’t you scream “Girl Power” again?
AMY: Okay, GIRL POWER!!!!!
HYT: Thank you, Tuna Spice. Time to head on over to Nitro. see you there!
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